No homo, right?

I wanna be mad at him so bad

I want all of the bad things I’m feeling right now to be his fault because it would make things less complicated emotionally

But he has absolutely no idea, and he never did anything intentionally to hurt me it’s just the circumstances

The worst part is that I’m hurt, and I have to pretend I’m not hurt or that I’m hurt about something else whenever he asks what’s wrong

I hate that I keep having to lie to him it’s terrible

And at this point, I don’t think it really matters whether I tell him or not. I’ll continue to be hurt either way—there’s only one possible outcome in which I won’t be hurt in some way and that’s requited feelings and the likelihood of that happening is minuscule 

And if I tell I think I’ll just wind up being one of those girls that he moans and groans about to everyone else instead of a good friend and a confidant. Instead of someone he trusts, I’ll be someone he has to walk on eggshells around. It’ll give him another person to feel guilty over, and I don’t want that: he don’t need that right now. 

But I’ve also had these feelings for nearly six months now and it’s getting harder and harder to keep them in. 

Sigh.

Why can’t he just be a dick and hurt me on purpose so then I can have justified anger or something

Why does this have to be so complicated

Why do I have to care about him this much

Fleeing to this blog because the person I need to vent about follows me on nearly every social media site I frequent

Honestly I wish I didn’t have to lie to him anymore but I’m so scared of admitting my crush because….because being rejected would hurt me so bad. Even if we could still remain friends, the realization that no, this person who you care so much for doesn’t care for you in the same way I just….it would be more painful than keeping it hidden and bottled up. For someone who has never had a requited crush and who believes she is terrible and unworthy I just….I couldn’t. 

Honestly I occasionally wish I could just stop talking to him, stop sharing my feelings with him and having him share his back, stop lying to him and pretending all of my romantic woes are about a totally different guyfriend, just stop and separate myself from him. But I admire him too much, I enjoy his company too much, I care for his well-being too much, and I care about whether he’s happy or okay too much to throw in the towel.

Hah. I wonder at which point down this line I got so pathetic.  

I really want DaveJohn mpreg

pleaaaaaaase somebody pleaaaaase

All I get are jokefics ):

sarcasticopinionist:

So all of you are screaming your love over DirkJake kawaii make outs or something

But you aren’t hating on him because obviously he disregarded AR, just like Jane did?

Seriously?

Wow you know

Maybe

Maybe

MAYBE

Maybe there are fans who really love DirkJake and are happy about them being in the same space together who, you know, didn’t hate Jane for what she did and don’t actively dislike her in the first place. And therefore aren’t obligated to show “hate” for Jake in turn. 

But no, no. No, that would be impossible. All DirkJake fans are required to hate female characters and their actions while excusing those of male characters while we comb updates for hints of sloppy makeouts, it’s in our contract. 

i’m so annoyed that most of the davejohn noncon fics out there involve victim Dave

I wish there was more the other way, because hurting the derps is one of my favorite past times

He pushes you up against the wall, your head knocking a bit against it. His thigh shoves up harder against your crotch, and in a twisted way you think that that the same leg he probably bounced John on as a toddler an mercifully that thought it cut short as his fingers fall to one of your nip piercings and oh. You knew his hated them, knew he’d prefer you get rid of him and oh you wanted him to be angry with you at having them. The thought of what he could do to you, all the ways he could punish you—daddy’s little rebel who’s been brought home and needs to be taught to /behave./ Oh god you wanted it, you wanted it but you knew he wouldn’t give it to you until he wanted to. 

“I’m sorry, I—ah—” He tweaks the piercing slightly and your eyes go wide, head falling back again against the wall. You—he—he wouldn’t, he—

You whimper, loud and aroused and fearful, and he doesn’t like that, so he takes the barbell between his thumb and forefinger an he twists it until its ends are pointing at ten and four and you scream.

I don’t know what i’d do if most of my irl friends knew about these kinks gosh

thats why they go on this blog

secret other tumblr powers activate

I really want to write things like 

• egbertcest (??? MAYBE IM STILL CONFLICTED ON THIS SHIP)
• meenah/john porn with either tentadicks or pegging
• condesce/john noncon
• that alpha!dave and underaged!jake thing i started forever ago
• davejohn mpreg just because
• stuff with foodkinks and more chubby john
• uhm some noncon with jake and dirk having to provide aftercare

This is the first time I’ve ever told someone I liked them (even though it was on accident, it still counts) and I don’t know how to respond

How do I deal with these feelings?? They want to talk next time we meet and I don’t even know what to talk about, I mean I’m already well aware of that this won’t work, not even due to their own possible qualms against it and other issues of legality, but also for my own morality and the hefty responsibility of  I myself as the elder party. Even if I was given the opportunity to be in a relationship with them, I don’t feel I could do it—whether it would be real or just imagined on my part, I would nevertheless feel awful and guilty and like I was taking advantage of their youth and naivete.

Sigh damn fifteen year olds.

i’m hiding on this blog because i was an idiot on my other blog